


drowning.

by Banditophan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 22:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15592575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banditophan/pseuds/Banditophan
Summary: This ain’t love, it’s  just a fire fight---Inspired by the song drowning. By the Eden project





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wassup fuckers! (Jk Ily)  
> This story is also on Wattpad if you wanna read it over there as well.( I’m @ multioakley over there btw)

When two boys love each other so much, it becomes toxic. When you drop everything for one person. When it all becomes too much, and you start to drown in the salty taste of your tears and alcohol. And you start to fade away


	2. Chapter 2

Love is a scary thing, trusting one person with all of your being can be the most terrifying thing a person can do. Dan chuckles as he points to a tumblr post, "Phil look at this one" he says with a giggle in between his teeth. Phil chuckles as he plays with the boys chocolate brown hair that was laid on his chest.I think _I lost my mind a while ago_ Dan moves the laptop from off his stomach and places it in the coffee table and sits up and phil frowns. Dan looks at Phil's pouting, "Uh uh, no pouting. If I don't cook dinner than we would starve" dan says to phil chucking quietly. Phil nods, "True, we'd be living off of Cheerios if you left me to be the cook" dan smiles and stands up and walks towards the kitchen. Dan takes out the stir fry packet and empty's it onto the hot pan. Phil comes in from the Living room and wraps his arms around dans waist and nuzzles his face into the crook of his neck. Dan jumps at the sudden appearance of his boyfriend, "You Baboon, you scared the shit out of me" he says complaining, phil chuckles quietly and dan puts the spatula on the counter and turns to face phil, he kisses him sweetly on the lips and phil grins into the kiss. They break the sweet kiss and phil takes dans hand and pulls him and spins him around and dan giggles. The two dance like lovestruck teenagers in the middle of the night, the smell of burning fills their senses and dans eyes go wide, "Ahhh! No the food!" He exclaims as phil quietly chuckles to the screech of his boyfriend.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan jolts up out of his sleep with a scream, phil is startled awake at his crying boyfriend next to him. ' _Cause I've been seeing some ghosts_ Dan sobs and phil cuddles his crying boy closer, as if they could get any closer. Phil rubs the back of dans head as dan sobs into his chest, "It's okay love, everything is alright. Your fine. They can't hurt you anymore, your safe" phil whispers gently into dans ear and he sobs a little harder, phil frowns and cuddles his baby boy. Phil instinctively pulls dan on top of him and dan straddles him in the muddle of sheets. Dan looks down at phil and phil reaches up and wipes dans tears off his red blotches cheeks, dan sniffles a bit and his sobs quiet down. "There's my boy, your too pretty to cry Danny" he says and dan sniffles _And I'd be lying if I told you I'm fine But I lie_ Dan's lips tug up into a small smile and he leans down to kiss phil softly. He pulls away and crawls off top of him and lays down, he wraps his arms around Phil and phil squeezes him, almost like saying soundly that he's not letting go. Phil's breathing slowed to a steady pace again and he dozed off, and only once dan was sure he had fallen asleep, dan allowed himself to fall back asleep in the arms of the man he will love forever.


	4. Chapter 4

     _Yeah, these thoughts I would never speak out loud_     Dan sits on the couch all alone waiting for phil to arrive. Dan sinks further into the couch being engulfed by pillows. Recently dan hadn't been thinking straight, his inner demons started clawing at his brain again but phil could never know, he would worry too much that something wouldn't happen again. Dan wouldn't let phil go through that pain again, so dan simply stay quiet. Dan heard the jiggling of Phil's keys at the door, he quickly wiped a stray tear from his cheek and turned the tv on quickly watching some random channel. Phil walked through the living room arch and dan looked up and smiled at the sight of his boy, hands full of carry out bags. Phil walks over and pecks dan on the lips and sets the food on the coffee table.     "Hi baby, how was pj?" Dan asks and phil nods,     "Good! He wished you could come, but he understood that you weren't feeling well" he says,    "But how do you feel now? Do you want me to get you anything?" He asks sweetly,   "Just an Advil please" dan responds grinning, phil nods and walks out towards the kitchen and coming back out with a small pill and a glass of water. He hands it to dan and he pops it into the back of his mouth and gulps it down with the water.      "Thank you baby" dans says thanking phil and he nods sitting down and opening his food.    "No problem sweet tart"


	5. Chapter 5

   "No! You do this every time dan!!" Phil shouts in rage,    "You don't do that! Not again please, I can't see that again! Why didn't you just fucking tell me!" Phil shouts even louder than last time. _I've seen you cry, but I've never seen you Shout like a hurricane_     "Why are you so mad about me not wanting you to worry!" Dan cries back tears filling up his vision.    "Because it's fucking selfish dan! You think no one cares about you but wake up! A lot of people care" phil yells.    " it makes me angry dan. Angry that you didn't tell me. I've helped you before and I won't hesitate to help again and it's just so fucking selfish" phil storms out of their bedroom and heads for the front door, _These shots don't ricochet_    "Where the fuck are you going!?" Dan shouts following not that far behind.     "Out." Phil says steadily, and with that he opens the door and steps through it slamming it shut behind him. Dan falls to the ground a sobbing mess unable to catch his breath. He calms his breathing down and lays his head down on the ground and let his tears stain the unstained carpet.    Dan stumbled up off the ground and shuffled his feet into the kitchen, directly going for the bottle of vodka. _Sight blurred, I'm walking dazed, boy I'm fucking faded_


	6. Chapter 6

            _Oh, I don't know my limits at all_

 

    Phil trips into the apartment shivering from the cold winter air.

    "Dan?" He asks carefully into the strangely quiet apartment. He makes his way to the kitchen and dan is at the kitchen table head in his hands and red rimmed eyes.

    "Dan?" Phil asks again quietly,

    "I'm sorry" dan says sadly, phil shakes his head,

    "No I'm sorry, I'm such a fucking idiot."

    "Dans lips quiver and phil shakes his head and moves forward to comfort him. Phil brings him into his arms and dan cry's into his shoulder, phil could smell the strong sent of alcohol but doesn't say anything, he didn't want to make dan more sad having him know phil is uncomfortable with dan drinking after what happened a few years back. But dan also doesn't say anything, about the smell of pj'sapartment lingering on Phil's shirt.

 

oh my god


	7. Chapter 7

**1 year later**

 

_But so what if I drank too much?_

 

    "No! I fucking told you to stop the drinking dan!"

    " I don't care what you say phil" dan drunkenly slurs. Phil shakes his head in disbelief.

    "No, you don't get to do that dan" Phil says sadly

    "Just did you twat" Phil scoffs at dans behavior

     "Your such a fucking idiot" phil says crying

 

_This ain't love, it's just a firefight_

 

     Dan laughs at phil, phil shakes his head and turns around.

       "I'm leaving, I'll come back when I feel like it " phil says starting to walk out of the kitchen.

   "Oh yah, have fun with pj. Tell him I said hi while your fucking him up the ass." Phil slowly turns around,

   "W-what?" Phil asks in disbelief,

    "You heard me"

     "Da-" he cut phil off and points to the door.

   "Just go" dan says with a broken voice. Phil's eyes rim with even more tears and he listens.

 

And even if it's not enough

I'll say it once, I swear I never lied

But this is the last time


	8. Chapter 8

> _This is the last time_

_You'll ever bring me down_

 

   Phil is sat alone in some run down motel not that far away from his and dans apartment. He is sat staring at the dirtied ceiling with the tv buzzing in the background. Completely gone,he keeps checking his phone But not one text was from dan. The only one he really wants, but he can't do that. Dan told him to go, and he did. He listened because he was told to. Because he loves dan. Phil's brain goes quiet for a little, the only sound he hears it the thump of his cracked heart and the annoying buzzing of the tv. Phil growls and takes the remote and throws it at the tv, the remote hit the screen and the tv Instantly went quiet. Phil fell back on the bed looking up at the ceiling again. Just when he heard the ding of his phone. Phil looks at his phone with blurry eyes, a text from dan. His heart drops to the ground as he reads the text on the phone,

 

My baby 


	9. Chapter 9

(Sorry in advance TW; suicide)   _But boy, you know I'm drowning_ Dan paced clumsily around the apartment with an almost empty bottle of vodka. Red rimmed eyes and a shattered heart roam the halls of a once happy place filled with memories that no one would have the ability to forget.  _And I keep going down_   Dan is convincing himself he's not going to do it, but something or someone else has another idea. Dan crashed into a chair with a piece of paper and a pen. He takes a swig of the vodka finishing it off. He chucks it to the ground and the sound of shattering glass fills the apartment. I lost him lost him  kept repeating in dans head as he wrote down the letter. A tear drop hit the paper as he put his pen down and picked himself up out of the chair stumbling a bit. _But I'll swear that I'm not_    Dan fills up the bathtub and steps in with all his clothes still on.    _I'm not_    Dan is a sobbing mess, grabbing his phone from the floor next to the tub he sends phil a text, My baby 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m sooorryyy

Dear Phil,  
   I know you will be the one to find me, I'm so sorry. I love you, I truly do even though I know what you've been hiding. Truth is, my demons got the best of me. I'm sorry I was selfish and didn't let you help. You were the only thing I had left after my parents were killed, you truly saved me.  I'm ready phil, I don't want to live anymore I was just drowning and waiting for the tide to come take me away. One day I'll send someone back and get you for me. Stay strong my sweet sunshine boy  
                                                       Love,   
                                                       Your dan


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN TO THE SONG BREIF ENCOUNTER by DAWN GOLDEN WHILE READING THIS CHAPTER. ITLL MAKE IT A LOT SADDER:’(

Exactly one year later....  
Phil Lester was never the same. He never smiled anymore, he stopped making videos, he basically stopped breathing. People stopped checking up on him and he just sat and stared at blank walls all day. Every night he drowns himself in alcohol, just like dan did. Truth is he feels guilty, he was never doing anything with Pj. But dan thought he was, and that is what kills him the most because Phil was now sitting in dans bed like he does everyday, much more drunk than usual holding a black engagement ring in his fingertips. He knows dan would want him to move on in life, he'd want him to find someone new and live his best life, but phil can't do that. His best life was having dan and now he's gone. Phil slips the ring on his finger and weakly got up from the bed, his cheeks were now hallow and his eyes that were once the most beautiful orbs anyone has ever seen, were now faded to grey. He makes his way towards the front door and walks out shutting the door quietly trying not to disturb his neighbors who were all so kind.   
    Once phil arrives at the beach he breathes a fresh breath of salty air as he makes his march towards the sea. He walks down the pier and towards the end of it. He wraps his cold slender fingers around the even colder railing and he looks up at the night sky. He noticed one bright star shining right above him and a tear ran down his cheek. Phil climbed over the railings and stood there looking down and the dark abyss under him. Usually phil would be deeply terrified of looking down like this, but in this moment he didn't care because he was not phil anymore. He takes one final big breath right before he lets go of the railing and he plunged into the deep. The last thing phil remembered before he blacked out was the feeling of the below freezing waters, and the sense of strange calmness knowing he'd be back with his love again.

(A/N Now we let the song take affect and we can all cry together)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this shit show of a book:)


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